


With me, you are safe

by potterbite



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, buck in montana, buck in peru, eddie' always there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29519946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potterbite/pseuds/potterbite
Summary: Buck falling in love in Montana, why he went to Peru and a disastrous date in present day. Eddie to the rescue!
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 130





	With me, you are safe

He first met Johnny when working at a ranch in Montana. 

He was searching the country for the parts of himself that were missing, hoping to find them if he just tried hard enough, ignoring the sadness pounding inside him at every heartbeat. 

Johnny was a few years older and had something rugged about him that appealed to Buck. Maybe it was those eyes that seemed to gaze into your soul, or that blatant confidence in everything he did. Nevertheless, Buck quickly found himself navigating towards the other man, happy to have finally found a friendly face that saw him for who he was. With Johnny around, somehow, the emptiness did not feel as overwhelming. 

They’d gone out for a few beers one night when Johnny took his hand under the table, interlacing their fingers. Surprised, albeit pleasantly so, Buck had looked up at the older man to see that confident smile plastered on his face, and Johnny had surged forward for a kiss that Buck was not expecting but somehow did not rattle him even a little bit; it felt good. 

The following weeks were a jumble of stolen kisses during the day and sleepless nights under the stars. 

Johnny left a few weeks later, promising Buck they would meet again and that he’d get in touch as soon as he had found this new place he was searching for. Buck had realized that a lot of the guys at the ranch carried that same sadness he himself did and was not surprised that Johnny felt it too. The restlessness. 

So he let Johnny go, and Buck left the ranch some time after, continuing his journey in the jeep that had somehow become the one constant in his life. Maybe he felt a little less empty, some space inside of him filled with a new feeling; hope for the future. 

He didn’t tell Maddie about Johnny in his letters; he was worried that if he wrote it down it would become something tangible instead of those amazing, blurry weeks that felt plucked from a dream. Someone else’s dream. 

Ten months went by before he heard from Johnny again, and at that point Buck had even tried to forget his time at the ranch altogether by dating the girl who taught him to surf.

Neither of those things worked out, the girl less so than the surfing. 

Johnny’s text was short, but still had Buck’s heart beating a mile a minute. 

_Meet me in Peru. I miss you._

Buck left the country three days later, no questions asked, and nothing with him except for a backpack and his swelling heart. 

Meeting Johnny again felt as if no time had gone by at all, and Buck was soon caught up in the whirlwind. When Johnny looked at him it made him feel as if he were the only thing in the world that mattered and Buck was addicted. _Needed_ to be where Johnny was. So he took a job at the same bar Johnny worked in, figuring he should at least get some use out of that bartender knowledge.

When Johnny left again, it was just as abrupt as it had been back in Montana. This time though, it hurt much more. At the ranch, Buck hadn’t fully understood how swept up in Johnny he was. He still didn’t, but somehow his gut knew. 

And it hurt. The offhand way he told Buck he had fallen for this ‘awesome chick’ and that they would be going to Florida the very next day. While lying naked in bed with Buck. And the casual way he leaned in for another kiss after that statement, as if everything was just a laugh.

Buck would feel sick afterwards, for months trying to get that dirty feeling out of his body, but he gave his body up to Johnny that night in a way he had never done before. Perhaps he had hoped - no, _prayed_ , that it would alter the other man’s plans. That it would make Johnny feel something real for Buck. 

Nothing changed of course, and he was given the same promise as last time and a tight embrace that made him feel disgusted by himself for enjoying. 

Buck stayed in Peru for a while, not wanting to face reality. Somehow, he could pretend none of it had happened if he kept inside his bubble. Same guests at the bar. Same weather. Same mood.

When he finally left to go back to America, he promised himself that he would never again let someone else make him feel this way; unworthy, belittled and clingy.

\---

“Buck?” A hand is shaking his shoulder, fingers warm and tight. Buck blinks twice at Eddie, who’s clearly been trying to get his attention for a while. Everyone is looking at him.

It’s ringing inside his ears, and he tries his best to come back to reality. It’s hard though.

The team got a call for a rescue, an elevator that had gotten stuck somewhere between the twelfth and thirteenth floor and the three passengers inside needed to get out before anyone dared to try and fix it. Easy enough. 

Buck is on rope watch while Eddie goes into the elevator to pick all of them out one by one, but when he gets out through the ceiling with the last man, Buck thinks he’s about to have a stroke.

It’s Johnny.

Silence presses on for a few precious seconds, but then Johnny (inevitably so) meets Buck’s eyes and a brilliant smile forms.

“Evan!” Johnny exclaims loudly, and Buck is vaguely aware of everyone stopping with whatever they’re doing to watch this scene unfold. He desperately wants to leave. Buck was always Evan back then, and Johnny is no different. 

“Hey, Johnny,” he forces out. 

The other man opens his mouth to say something, but Eddie cuts him off. “You can catch up later, we need to get off of this elevator.” He doesn’t look at Buck when he speaks, but it does the trick and everyone gets moving again. 

Knowing he can’t avoid it, Buck joins Johnny on the edge of the open ambulance. The team is close by, but still far enough that he can pretend they aren’t listening. 

“Long time,” Johnny comments, smiling again. And Buck hates how his stomach flutters at that. Hates how he automatically smiles back, his body working on its own accord.

“Yeah. How’ve you been?”

“Good, good.” He looks around, and laughs a bit. “Well, maybe not this precise moment. First time in LA for me.”

Buck nods. Ignores Johnny’s hand that has now landed somewhere on his thigh. “You’ll love it. What brought you here?”

Suddenly Johnny is even closer than before, fingers bunching up the fabric of his pants, breath warm on Buck’s face. “You.”

Seemingly out of nowhere, Eddie appears in front of them before Buck has a chance to reply or do anything at all. He’s grateful. 

“Everything alright?” Eddie looks straight at Buck, gaze so intense Johnny might as well have evaporated into thin air. 

Buck nods, not sure he has any words in him right now. Feelings jumbled around like the headphone cord in your pocket, knot upon knot. Butterflies and nausea for Johnny. A warmness somewhere in his abdomen for Eddie. Adrenaline from them both. 

Eddie doesn’t move away and maybe Johnny realizes it’s not a good time to press on because he stays silent. (Or maybe he still doesn’t care.)

“Alright, let’s pack this up,” Hen’s voice says then, looking knowingly at Buck. He gets up, and shivers when he feels Johnny’s fingers brush against his own before dropping. 

Bobby’s eyes are fluttering from Buck, to Eddie, to Johnny and then back again. 

Nobody speaks on the way back to the station, but Buck feels all eyes on him.

\---

At the end of that shift, Chimney is the one that brings it up when they are in the changing room.

“So, are we allowed to ask?”

Buck freezes with his eyes inside the locker, hands balling into fists. 

“I guess that’s a no,” Chim continues casually. 

Buck releases a big breath, not sure why he feels so secretive of this past. He turns and leans against the locker instead.

“Johnny and I met in Montana years ago, when I was working at a ranch.” He tries to smile, but isn’t sure it comes out as genuine. Chimney is getting dressed while listening, Bobby and Eddie standing still, observing. 

Buck closes his eyes, feeling the heaviness set in. “Johnny was my first and only boyfriend.” He laughs bitterly. “And he’s also the reason I don’t date men.”

A quiet whistle from Chimney. “That bad, huh?”

Buck doesn’t reply, but his eyes snap open when Eddie speaks. Sounding a bit like he’s… hurt?

“You’ve never told me about him.”

Buck shrugs with one shoulder. “I prefer not to remember it,” he says honestly. 

Bobby steps forward. “Blocking out past memories is not always the way to go. Sometimes we need to face it, learn and grow.”

At this Buck nods. He’s lost for words again. 

\---

A text comes later that night from an unknown number, but even so he knows who it’s from without looking.

_Grab a drink with me._

And there’s that familiar feeling of being swept away. It’s as if he doesn’t really have a choice, needing to meet up with Johnny as much as he needs to breathe. So he replies, feeling both excited and sickened with himself at the same time, and they decide on a bar. Or rather, Johnny does and Buck has to figure out how to get there without driving. 

Outside of the bar, Buck has to wait for twenty minutes before Johnny arrives. No apologies though, just that blissful tight embrace, hands in under Buck’s t-shirt.

Buck shivers, and he’s not altogether sure if that’s a good thing or not. 

(Not like the shiver he gets when Eddie gives him that soft look. A shiver that makes him want to feed off of that expression for the rest of his life.)

Once they get a table, Johnny orders for the both of them without asking what Buck would like. Johnny was always like that, and it used to make Buck feel important. Still does, but now there’s an added element of feeling uncomfortable. Remembering how small it used to make him feel as well, as if he were depended on this man to help him through life.

The drink is gross, but he downs it in two big gulps. Johnny keeps touching him, not even speaking, and Buck craves it at the same time as he wants to run away from there and never look back. 

(Want it to be someone else’s eyes so close to his, dimples and scruff.)

There’s hands on his thigh, in his hair, on his waist, fingers teasing the zipper, lips wet on his neck. Music pounding loudly. 

Then all at once, he’s so disgusted he stands up, shocking Johnny into a sitting position from where he’d been leaning all of his body into Buck’s.

“I gotta go,” is all he can manage before moving as fast as he can away from there. He’s not yet outside when he remembers he didn’t drive, and for the fraction of a second he feel as if he’s about to cry.

He promised himself he would never let this happen again, yet here he is, years later. 

Eyes a bit blurry, he unlocks his phone and calls the number at the top of his phone book.

“Hello?” Eddie’s whispering, and Buck curses himself for not checking the time. His voice is also kind of groggy, which makes it even worse.

“Shit, I didn’t realize how late it is,” he says in a way of greeting. 

“Buck?” Eddie sounds so confused it makes Buck smile. “It’s fine. I fell asleep reading to Chris.” He’s whispering, but then there’s the sound of a door closing and his voice is normal again. “Is everything alright?”

“I - uh. I kind of need a ride home.”

Silence. 

“Where are you?”

Buck tells him the address to the bar, very close to Eddie’s house, and the jingle of keys is audible before he’s even finished explaining. “Are you sure?” he asks quietly, scared that the answer is going to be no.

“I’ll be there in ten.”

\---

Eight minutes later, Buck spots Eddie’s massive car coming down the street before stopping right in front of him. He gets in the passenger seat without a word, and they drive in silence for a few minutes.

Buck frowns when he understands where they are going.

“I can’t crash at your place, Eddie.”

Eddie glances over at him, eyebrows raised. “Sure you can.” He breaks at the red light and turns his head to fully look at Buck. “Carla is watching Chris through video feed for a little while. I need to get home and turn it off before it becomes creepy.”

One corner of Buck’s mouth goes up. “It already sounds a bit creepy.”

The light switches back to green and Eddie drives on. “Hey, it was this or wake him up and you know how grumpy he gets.”

It remains unspoken that the third option of not coming for Buck at all was not really an option. They sit in peaceful silence the rest of the drive. 

\---

After telling Carla goodnight, they end up on the couch together, maybe a bit closer than normal, but Buck enjoys the warmth of another body close to his. Of Eddie’s body close to his, he realizes. 

Eddie hands over the bottle of water he grabbed from the fridge before and Buck takes it, just to keep his hands occupied. 

“What happened?” Eddie’s voice is slow and quiet, still forceful. 

Buck fiddles with the label on the bottle. “Johnny wanted to meet up. It was not a good idea.”

He sees Eddie watching him in his peripheral sight. Maybe he tilts the tiniest bit toward him, just ‘cause it feels nice. 

After a few moments, Eddie sighs. “Is it true what you said? About not dating guys because of what happened between you and Johnny?”

Buck shrugs. “I guess. The pros didn’t outweigh the cons.”

He can’t tell if it’s him or Eddie that moves, but somehow they are even closer together on the sofa now, shoulders touching. 

“You really should try it one more time.” He locks eyes with Buck. “It might be worth it.”

For a long while, they sit there watching each other, neither daring to move closer or away, both hoping the other is brave enough to make the call. 

Slowly, Buck lifts his hand and curls it around Eddie’s neck. Eddie sighs and closes his eyes with a smile.


End file.
